Lies, among us and me, make 3

Today was one of the most amazing days ever. I was awesome and it was so much fun. So thankful for today. I am always awesome.

Something you should know.

I played among us today.

I played 4 games in total.

I was IMPOSTOR in ALL 4.

Lost all 4.

But still amazing. Killed people in front of people every time.

Okay, in my defence, I haven’t played the game a lot. I am a noob. I really do not know how to play. I hardly even used vents and sabotage.

Fine fine. I am not that good. Okay bad. I am bad at it. So bad.

But guess what else I am?

God’s child. That’s right. Who even gets to become impostor for 4 games straight?

I mean, my number of times game played to the number of times I was impostor ratio is lit.

It’s so difficult always being the coolest person ever.

Okay, enough gloating and bragging.

If I didn’t write it, I legit wouldn’t be able to sit still. So yep.

However, it’s not in vain. This brings us to something I really want to talk about.

Lies.

Not lying to others. That’s a whole other thing.

But lying to oneself.

When I lie to myself, I get this gnawing feeling inside me.

This unbearable itch.

This scratching on my inner walls.

It keeps going on and on and on. It’s so determined. It keeps at it with dedication.

Can’t it give me a break?

Why does it have to keep going on like this?

And it depends on how big the lie is but one thing for sure is that it is always, always uncomfortable.

I don’t feel good about myself and lying to myself only makes it worse.

Admitting makes me feel free but it is also very daunting. Why would I want to admit to something I don’t want to be or do or have done, etcetera.

Acknowledging that I have these-these issues and working on them should be the thing to do. And I try. But it’s really hard.

Instead what I do is I lie. I ignore it. I cover it up with more lies. I give excuses for myself. I provide justifications and explanations. But that is only taking me farther away from myself. Only by being honest with myself will I ever be able to move forward. And that is what I have decided and am trying to do.

I am not trying to do this because anything kept together with lies will come apart eventually. I am doing this because lying is trying. It takes a toll on me. And I want to lessen some of it as I am jobless and broke. On a side note, if you have some opportunity for me, please let me know. It will help a lot and I will be eternally thankful to you.

Yeah, so lying is exhausting. It takes so much energy out of me. Energy that I could have used elsewhere. Even just resting or conserving it. But not wasting it on something like that. Now wasting it on running around the house or opening the fridge for no reason sounds fun. But lying? Nah.

It takes so much effort to keep up with lies and I am so worn out because of it. Now I am just going to be me. Whoever that is. But me.

3 of the many quotes I love.

Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.
Fyodor Dostoevsky

Lies require commitment.
Veronica Roth

Things come apart so easily when they have been held together with lies.
Dorothy Allison

I don’t know if I can just stop doing it. Because many a time it happens involuntarily. Unconsciously. Lying is the art of self-deception right? It’s deluding oneself. And I don’t think I want to be doing that.

Something that made me laugh and will probably make you laugh.

This one’s so good. Credits to the source of laughter.

I literally killed in front of someone and then realized that it takes some time till you can kill again. Credits to the source of laughter.

“Oh no”

“Oh no”

“Oh no no no no no”

Is the tune playing in your head?

If you haven’t heard it, go do. Just google the ‘Oh no’ lines above and you will find the song.

PS I literally haven’t played the game a lot. I don’t know the map or anything.

PPS Fine fine. Whatever.

PPPS I was going to start not lying to myself by listing one here but I just can’t remember anything now which is strange because there should be many. There are many. Anyway, I will include them as and when I remember. It should be soon.